Being married to a narcissist is hard. It’s common to question and doubt yourself, your spouse and the relationship. You might ask yourself “What did I do wrong?” even though your partner does not give you the same consideration.
Deciding to end a marriage is never an easy decision for anyone. Over time, your marriage may have become one-sided so after deciding to separate from them, it might be uncomfortable putting yourself first. But that’s exactly what you need to do to maintain endurance during this divorce.
Determine the safest course of action for you
Deciding to leave your narcissistic spouse can be scary. Throughout this journey, make strategic decisions that will keep you safe. If children are involved, you will also need to be considerate of their safety and well-being. Don’t ever compromise your physical and mental safety no matter how long this process takes.
Separation from a spouse will require a third party to facilitate formal conversations, divvy out assets and protect the legal integrity of the divorce. Be aware that when negatively provoked, narcissists will do everything they can to come out on top. It may become more difficult than usual to discuss the relationship and your decision to end the relationship.
With the aid of loved ones and licensed professionals like therapists, mediators and attorneys, you can decide what your next steps should be to continue to ensure your safety even after your divorce is finalized.
Identify a strong support group
A narcissistic spouse can make you feel alone and that you are the bad guy. Their confusing logic may make you question yourself and other relationships that you have outside of your marriage. But more than likely, none of that is true.
Now is the time to surround yourself with loved ones and professionals who will always support you. By reaching out for the support from trusted loved ones, you will find help and validation.
It is a good idea to speak to a licensed therapist or counselor. A therapist will provide a safe space to help you make sense of any conflicting thoughts and feelings. And if children are involved, find someone that they are able to feel comfortable enough to share their feelings with too.
As you begin to work toward your new independence with a helpful support group, do not rush yourself. When you are comfortable to share parts of your relationship and feel like you are ready to finalize your separation, it’s time for you to hire a supportive high-conflict divorce attorney.
Find an attorney who will advocate for your needs. Make sure that you can trust your attorney with your thoughts and feelings. They can also act as a liaison when communicating with your narcissistic ex spouse.
Set strong, healthy boundaries
Creating healthy boundaries in relationships allows you to stay mentally sane and physically safe. Boundary setting can be difficult with loved ones but if they have your best interest at heart, they will be respectful of what you have asked of them.
Set strong boundaries with any loved ones that you have been able to confide in. You may want to talk to a brother about one topic but your mom about another. Set boundaries with your therapist and attorney like setting specific times that you are available to talk about your divorce. And, most importantly, set firm boundaries with your narcissistic spouse.
Be aware of common narcissistic behaviors that your spouse may use to continue to be harmful during the divorce. Some common narcissistic behaviors are:
- Showing little to no empathy
- Exploiting loved ones
- Expressing no awareness or insight of others
- Showing no shame or remorse
Because narcissists are not considerate of others, expecting them to respect boundaries that you have set with them may be difficult so be strong and resilient. Return any texts or phone calls when you are ready and have the time. Stick to any court-ordered visitation plans for children. Do what is best and safest for you.
Self-care
You have made the decision to take care of yourself by divorcing your narcissistic ex so continue to care for yourself during the process. The process can be mentally and physically draining so allow yourself time and space to check in with yourself.
Self care does not need to be anything extraordinary. Give yourself a mental break when you need it by not talking about the divorce. Make sure you eat and sleep regularly. Go out with friends and eat your favorite foods. Go on a bike ride or on walks with pets. Practice religious customs if it helps to recenter.
Taking time for yourself is never a selfish thing to do. By giving yourself time and space to enjoy the fun parts of life, it can help to give you a clear mind while working through the divorce and keep you focused on the small victories along the way.
Let us help
Remember that you are not alone through this process and that help is always available. Keeping yourself safe is never a bad choice.
If you need help divorcing a narcissist, contact us to find support and guidance through this difficult time. We have experience helping people in similar situations find sanctuary and peace of mind. Putting you first will always be our priority.
